moody musings

what a gift

2009-02-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

okay...wow...i know it's been a long dry spell. i really meant to use this blog as a place to manage my thoughts...and boy, have i had a lot of those lately...but my life has gotten in the way! obnoxious, huh? just when i really should be journaling some of the crazy stuff that hits me in the middle of the night, i have no time to come in, fire up the computer, and jot it all down. so, i'll just say this...
last friday was my girl's seventh birthday. she woke up feeling taller and smarter, which i think is hilarious (although she really could've been taller...i think she's growing an inch a day!). she also felt "like a good and fabulous girl" when people sent her cards, either through the mail or on the internet.
on the night of rosie's birthday, she went to the dads and daughters dance at her school, escorted by one snappily dressed daddy. they had a marvelous time. they danced and had a "prom" picture taken. so cute. then, tim and i lay in bed with her until 8:48 pm...the moment of her birth...so we could kiss her right then. i get all sentimental remembering that day seven years ago. it seems like yesterday, yet a different lifetime ago.
the next day, she had a big birthday blow-out at our place complete with a face painter and a bounce house. she invited pretty much everyone she's ever met, plus their siblings. rosie had a great day. instead of presents (she has so much), she asked her friends to bring a hardcover children's book to donate to our school library. everyone liked that idea, and we collected 50 books! the librarian was thrilled, and rosie learned a good lesson: it's often way better to give than to receive.
i get the best gift of all...my rosie. peace out...and in.

tending my garden

2009-01-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

whew! what a week. in the world of teaching, there aren't too many things crazier than parent/teacher conference week.

i've always liked conference week. it's a time to connect with the moms and dads, and talk about the wonder of their children. i tend to have parents who worry a little more than average about the progress of their kids. i teach the "special" ones...the ones for whom learning, development, or some other life function is delayed or maybe even broken. for some, the progress is quite slow...you won't even see it if you don't look REEEEAALLLY carefully. but i do...i look carefully. i find any seed of possibility and i tend it...my staff and i encourage it along. and when it yields a bloom, no matter how small, we hold it up and marvel at its beauty. we display it for all to see. we celebrate it for what it is...a remarkable achievement. to some, our little flower won't look like anything special, but those of us with the trained eye and the open heart will know what it is.

some of these wonderful parents just want the blooming to come faster...for their precious flower to "catch up". some will...but lots won't. so my job is to collect as many of the beautiful buds and petals as i can, and present them lovingly. sometimes it takes a while to see, but every single bouquet our children produce is a wonder. and for some, it's nearly a miracle.

thanks, moms and dads, for trusting your little ones to those of us charged with their care and education. the gardens won't all look the same, but every single one is worth appreciating. in some cases, it takes a LOT of work to get there.

have a happy weekend. peace out...and in.

6 billion others

2009-01-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

well, i wasn't going to post today, but i came across something i HAD to share. it's incredible. it would take quite a while to go through the whole site...i just watched the testimonials on love today. incredible. go there. watch something.

http://www.6billionothers.org/main.php?Lng=en&File=homePage

go now.
peace out.

civil rights

2009-01-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

happy civil rights day everyone! how are you celebrating your civil rights today?

i guess i'll be celebrating mine by doing whatever i want to do. how great is that? however, we have some friends and neighbors in our country who don't get to do some of the things they'd like to do. one of those things is getting married. i am still one of those people who doesn't "get" why this is such an issue.
some would have us believe that same sex marriage is an affront to God. i'm not buying it. who made us all the way we are anyway? i don't think God is really keeping tabs on who's getting married and why. he's got bigger fish to fry. i'd say he's pretty cool about the whole thing as long as all of us married folk behave responsibly and don't hurt other people. seems fair.

some other people want me to believe that same sex marriage somehow affects the state of hetero marriage. i happen to be a married hetero, and i'm not quite clear on how that works. the only people who have influence over the success of my marriage are my squeeze and me. that's it. if the two lovely ladies around the corner want to get married too, i say hooray! more examples of successful, loving relationships are what this world needs.

soooo...a part of my civil rights celebration is sharing this link with you: http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/million/

here, you can sign a petition saying that all people, regardless of their sexual orientation, should be allowed to marry whomever they choose. so there.

have a great day doing whatever it is YOU choose! peace out.

true friendship

2009-01-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

may i just say, "go here". it's my new favorite thing. so lovely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

okay...i'm supposed to be putting away Christmas decorations, so that's it for now...

have a great week, friends. much love to all...

btw...that's our rosie and her cousin jenna on Christmas Eve. cute, right?

perspective

2009-01-06T18:17:00.000-08:00

hey there!

we're back at school here in the neighborhood. our winter weather has been nice and mild, and the kids are outside playing like there's no tomorrow. it does a heart good to see this...i just love the fresh, rosy look they have in their faces when they come in from play. here in phoenix it doesn't snow, and the coldest it tends to get is into the 40s in the morning. but the kids here don't know any other winter, and they've got their mittens and hats. so funny.

i grew up in a suburb of chicago. winter was fierce there. we often had temperatures below zero with windchill. the year we left (1979) we had the worst blizzards ever...people had to shovel their roofs to avoid them collapsing. we walked to school and played outside with only our eyes showing. we had recess as long as there wasn't an ice storm going on. here, we keep the kids inside when there's a heat advisory and parents line up in the street to pick their kids up if it's "cold". rain in the phoenix area equals a top news story. my squeeze, who grew up in nebraska, and i think all of this is hilarious. i guess that's what perspective will get ya!

so...back to school, and the kiddos are fired up. i've been a special education teacher for a hundred and fifty years (okay, 22 years) and i still get excited when we return to school from breaks. the kids always have so much to tell and share. it's great. this year is particularly great...nobody forgot everything we learned in the first five months of school, so i'm happy!

as i've mentioned, my rosie is in first grade at my school. she is a typically developing child and learner. my perspective is a little warped as i've worked with non-typical learners for soooo long...and the fact that she's reading, writing, and doing math so well just amazes me. to watch the process unfold and develop is so gratifying. and, of course, i thank God every day that she's happy, robust, and doesn't have to struggle with learning. i've watched the pain of my students and their parents for so long, and not having that for rosie is a gift.

i happen to adore my students. their special learning, behavioral, and emotional needs are challenging, but workable. i've comforted many a parent over the years by telling them that their child is perfect and beautiful just as they are. they are not defined by their "disabilities" (how i dislike that word)...their uniqueness is just a part of them like their hair color and height. i am humbled and honored to work with these children every day. they have learning disabilities, autism, mental retardation, physical challenges, language delays, sensory/motor needs, and emotional/behavioral disorders. they are alive, bright, healthy, and learning. they are making gains and growth all the time. they are here and will contribute to their communities and the world. some children won't get the chance to do that. perspective...perspective...

2009-01-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

wow...it's the first day of 2009 already. the last year seemed to fly by, didn't it? i know there were many challenges in 2008, both globally and here at home, but all in all, if we woke up today on the right side of the dirt, it's all okay. here is what i'm grateful for today...

this is tim. he's a wonderful husband, partner, dad, friend, and person. i get to kiss him every day. lucky, right?!

then there's rosie (see last post). i get to be her mom, which is awesome. i learn from her every day.

zach is 15, a high school freshman, and my stepson. that should tell you a lot. he and i have a unique relationship, as anyone with experience in blended families knows. my tolerance, patience, and capacity to love have all been developed by having him in my life.

my family is incredible. i am grateful that my parents and sisters live nearby. i adore my beautiful nieces. i will post more about these people in the future.

i am fortunate enough to work in a career that i love. it comes with many challenges, but when i focus on the kids and that i'm there to serve them, it all works out. they are fantastic.

i have a wonderful circle of friends. many have been with me for a long time. i am blessed by their friendships.

i have some furry children (lucy, molly, and scout) who bring me joy. i'd have more if it wouldn't cover our entire home with fur.

i am healthy, living in a lovely home, and today i feel great. 2009 is off to a great start! for you all, i wish for peace, love, joy, and prosperity in the coming year.

my name is mommy

2008-12-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

so...this is rosie.

i don't think i'm one of those very intense moms, who believes her whole life was just on hold until the birth of her child or children. but this kid is, in general, my reason for breathing.

my life before rosie was good...very good, in fact. i was raised in a wonderful family...perhaps the most wonderful on the planet (nothing against yours...i'm just sayin'). i had lots of friends, was involved in many activities, and was, on the whole, a very fulfilled person. particularly after i met tim and we started...um...whatever it was we were doing. i had a job i LOVED, nieces i was completely devoted to (and still am), and was up to my hips in volunteer work. i had my own home, and once tim and i married, we bought a new one together. i was a stepmom, which is just one step off the mom path, right? well, not so much...he had this actual mom involved...but i digress. in short, i was doing great. love was all around me and life was good. better than good. blessed.

then, the bun found the oven. for the first few weeks, i was as sick as the proverbial dog, and i was pretty sure this childbirth thing was a big mistake. then, week 13 came, and i never felt better in my life. my hair looked great, my skin glowed, and i had such happiness and energy! the day she was born was a little tricky, but it all worked out okay. she came out skinny, red-haired, and blue-eyed, but i saw them pull her from me, so she was mine alright.

and now she's six ("almost seven!!!"). for a little kid, she's pretty cool. she digs the music i like. she can turn a perfect cartwheel. she L-O-V-E-S school and books, which fills my heart with joy (have i mentioned i'm a special ed teacher?). when she smiles, her nose crinkles up just so. the very hint of a beat makes her wiggle and she sings constantly. she is stubborn and willful, which sometimes makes her a tough six year old to parent, but i'm hoping will serve us well when peer pressure kicks in. she's creative, full of curiosity, and funny. i am think i'm pretty realistic about her weaknesses...she's kinda bossy, doesn't always follow directions, and has issues with anxiety...but i'm proud to be her mom. she fills my life with hope and love.

i cannot bear the thought of her growing up without me, so her very presence makes me want to be healthier, safer, and a better person. i want to eat more vegetables, volunteer more, and start up a neighborhood watch. i want people who would harm children to be given life sentences right off the bat. i want our world to be peaceful and loving...or at least i want her world to be that way.

this mom gig is alright.

good stuff/bad stuff

2008-12-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

so, here's the thing about "good" stuff and "bad" stuff...

i think we can all agree that HIV is bad, right? i mean, it's a virus nobody really wants, but a lot of people have. the good thing about having HIV here in the states is that you can get treatment, and it's pretty available and affordable. not so in many other places. doesn't that chap your heinie?? it chaps mine.

anyway...HIV started out as a big, scary, bad thing in my life wayyyy back in 1985. my dear, wonderful, crazy friend, tom tested positive. we were 22 at the time. we had NO idea what it meant...what to do...what not to do. so, we didn't do much. the one medication available then was AZT, and his body couldn't tolerate it. he cleaned up his act (no smoking, limited drinking, eating healthy, sleeping more...you know) and he did fairly well. his goal was to live until we were thirty. i was SERIOUSLY pissed off. it didn't seem right, and there wasn't much going on in the community at the time. people were scared.

then, a friend told tom about a little non-profit in the city (phoenix). he went there for the free legal service...he got his affairs in order, so to speak. i needed to do something, so tom encouraged me to volunteer. he liked the people there, and thought i would too. at the time i started there, in 1991, there were more people talking about HIV...more social services available for those in need. we were serving largely men who identified as gay at the time...and many of the men we drew in (because of our location) were working in the sex trade. needless to say, i learned a LOT. i met some incredible, amazing, strong, loving people. i helped people, and i was helped. a good thing.

in 1993, we noticed a sharp increase in families coming in for service...positive moms, dads, and children. we started monthly parties, so the families could network. then, i'm not sure why (because we were naive idealists, i think), we decided we should start a camp...one week in the summer for families with infected/affected members. so we did. it was HARD work, but it was completely glorious. we all lived together for five days in the cool(er) pines of the north. the volunteers took care of the kids. they rode horses, swam, and did art. the parents took classes, got massages, and shared their lives. and through this program, i met tim, to whom i am currently married. a really fabulous thing.

tim was a freaked out dad when he arrived at our little agency. his wife had tested positive for HIV during her pregnancy with their son...and at six months of age, the baby (who is now zach) tested positive too. we invited them to camp. there, they met the families who had gone before them...into the land of blood tests and medicine...and who would come after them. this was a really good thing.

after a few years, tim and his wife went their separate ways, and tim continued to bring zach to camp. tim wanted to volunteer and he did. he helped lots of kids have a great summer. zach has grown up in this community (which, in our area, is very diverse). he does not see non-traditional families as different. he knows what to do to keep himself healthy, and he does it. he has watched peers and close adult friends die, and he doesn't want to. he has seen the quilt, he has talked about his sexuality (yep, he likes girls), and he has helped others learn that he is okay and totally not scary. an amazing thing.

so, now i have this wacky little family...tim, rosie, zach, and me. three negatives and one positive. we live with this bad thing in our home all the time, but it brought us here together, and that's the best thing of all. i also have cherished friends i met through my volunteer work...some fellow volunteers, some clients...and we have wonderful shared lives. a beautiful thing.

in march of 1994, darling, brave, incredible tom lost his fight (we were both 30). i credit him with bringing me here. thanks, tom. i love you and miss you. watch over us. i hope we make you proud.

energy conservation

2008-12-21T16:11:00.001-08:00

so, there's this idea out there (where? not sure) that says if you put energy into something, be it negative or positive, that energy comes back to you. for instance...instead of being "against war" (so your focus is on the war part), it's better to be "for peace", so that your focus is on peace, and that's the energy that comes to you. i really need to get my head wrapped around this way of thinking and being. i don't want all of this negative energy sucking up my life.

i am a step...step-mom, step-wife...and in that role, i find a lot of influences outside my range of control interfering in what i would like to have happening in my life. these influences intrude on my time, my feelings, my thoughts...but most of all, my energy. the influences that have been brought into my life are not what i consider entirely positive. i guess, in reflecting on the idea i wrote about above, that i've allowed these things to focus my energy on things i do not want, instead of things i do want sometimes. so...i have to adjust my thinking...my flow of energy. that's hard. i'm trying. i spend a lot of time trying. exhausting...

well...that's it. done ranting for now. peace out.

2008-12-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

okay, just one funny thing...i had a hard time finding a photo of me alone. since we've had a digital, my daughter, rosie, has been around, so there are really none of me anymore. she's always in them. or tim (squeeze). or zach (step). funny. i'm also mostly known as "rosie's mom"...as in "hi rosie's mom!"...instead of "donna", which some people used to call me. other people called me other things. but that's all for another post...

getting started

2008-12-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

wow...i have no idea what i'm doing, but here i am doing it. i thought i'd create someplace to mostly just journal/rant/carry on. my friends might be the only ones interested (or maybe not), but that's okay. it's mostly for me.

as i get things up and running, i hope you'll see photos, ideas, dreams, and general crankiness. just me. we'll see!